Anywhere But Here
by B.A. Tyler
Summary: A visitor arrives at the 4077th just as the gang is planning a surprise party for Hawkeye.


**Anywhere But Here**

I ran.

I ran like somebody was chasing me… which actually, somebody was. Not to brag or anything, but I can run fast and for a very long time if I need to. In this case, though, I really wanted to lose the guy on my heels sooner rather than later. So I decided to be sneaky. When I was out of his sight for a second, I veered radically off the beaten path. And then I just kept on running like mad through the brush.

A couple minutes later, I found myself running right into what looked like a camp, with lots of tents smattered around and a large building with a red cross on it smack in the middle of everything. Clearly there were lots of people here, and that was a good thing. I could get lost amongst them, just in case the guy chasing me hadn't given up. He probably had, but you never know.

Feeling a lot safer now that I'd found civilization, I slowed down to a walk. People were milling around everywhere but nobody was paying much attention to me. I stopped in front of this one tent, intrigued by a large signpost with arrows that were pointing every which way. To me, that sign seemed to be saying "anywhere but here." It made me feel a little wary about this place. If the people here were wishing they could be somewhere else—_anywhere_ else—then I probably wouldn't want to stay either.

There were some interesting smells coming from this large tent over to my left, and my stomach rumbled. I decided to check out the place. The closer I got, the more tantalizing the smells got, and I gotta tell ya, whatever they were eating in there was really making my mouth water. Just as I approached the door, it swung open and a nice-looking blonde lady stepped out. She wasn't looking in my direction.

"Woof," I said to her, mainly because I'm a dog and "woof" is the only thing I'm capable of saying.

It served its purpose: it got her attention. She stopped. "Well well," she said with a smile, bending over to look at me eye-to-eye, "aren't you cute?"

"Woof," I said again. It can mean many things, but in this particular case it meant "yes." It's all in the inflection.

"You look like you might be hungry. Would you like me to get some mystery meat for you?"

Another "woof" that meant yes, and she gave me another toothy smile. I liked her. She and I were going to get along just fine.

She turned and I was about to follow her inside but she stopped me, gently putting a hand on my head and giving it a stroke. "Sorry, you'd better not come in. But I promise I'll get you something and bring it to you. Just wait out here, OK?"

"Woof."

She disappeared inside the tent for what seemed to me like a really, really long time. I kept licking my chops in anticipation. I couldn't remember when I'd eaten last, but I hadn't realized how hungry I was until those smells assaulted me. Yum.

Finally, _finally_ the blonde woman came back out with a plate. She set it down in front of me and I have to admit, I pretty much inhaled the food on it. Mostly meat, but also some potatoes (which are OK) and peas (kind of yuck, but I ate them because I didn't want to insult the nice lady). Deeeelicious.

I tend to almost black out a little when I'm eating… everything fades into the background except for the food. So I was surprised when I looked up after eating everything on the plate and saw that the blonde woman was gone! My eyes darted around until finally I spotted her, about to go inside a tent that I figured was her own.

I ran to catch up with her and when she saw me down by her side, she laughed. "So now you're my constant buddy, huh?" I gave her the big brown eyes. Lots of humans like that look. "Oh all right, you can come inside for a while if you want to." See, what did I tell you? The pleading eyes almost always work.

I followed her into the tent and jumped right up onto her bed. I don't mind making myself at home. Besides, I was dog tired. She laughed again and shook her head. "You're a bold one. But that's OK, you go right ahead and take a nap. I have to finish this scarf I'm knitting." She picked up her knitting stuff and showed it to me. I can't tell you what color it was (dogs are color-blind, you know), but it sure did look like a scarf. She was almost done with it. "You want to know a secret?" she asked conspiratorially. (Yeah, I know that word. I'm a smart dog.)

My eyes were getting droopy and I was fading fast, feeling all snuggly on her warm, soft bed. Even so, I managed a soft "Woof." Sure, tell me a secret… why not?

"We're planning a very big, very top-secret surprise party for Hawkeye. He's one of our doctors and he's got a birthday coming up." She winked at me, which I saw through eyes that were little more than slits at this point. Seconds away from sleep now. "We've got it all figured out—he won't have any idea this is coming. His birthday isn't for three weeks, but we're having the party tomorrow night. Won't he be surprised? We have the cook making a huge sheet cake, and Klinger's in charge of the decorations for the mess tent, and Radar had Hawkeye's father send some things from home, like photos from his childhood birthday parties and other things we can mock him about." She laughed, and she probably talked on and on about their party plans, but it was at this point that I zoned out and fell asleep, tummy full and feeling safe in this nice lady's tent.

* * *

When I woke up (who knows how many hours later), the nice blonde lady was gone. I had a vague memory of hearing an announcement broadcast through the camp in the middle of my sleep… it'd woken me up for a second. Maybe that had been to call some kind of meeting of the camp's people.

I jumped off the bed and shook myself all over. Try it sometime—it really makes you feel great. Like you're ready to start a new day. I found I was able to bump open the tent's door and let myself out, which was a good thing since my bladder was in need of some relief.

As I walked around, I noticed the camp was mighty quiet, and it seemed to be morning. The sun felt good on my fur. I decided I'd been right about the humans being in some kind of meeting. Otherwise they'd be outside enjoying this nice, warm weather.

I was near the building with the big red cross on it when the door opened up and a young man came out. He looked like he was in a real hurry to get somewhere, but when he saw me he stopped dead. His face broke out into a smile. Yeah, I have that effect on people.

"Hey, boy! I haven't seen you around here before." He knelt down and scratched me under my chin. Oh boy do I love that! I tried a doggie smile to show my appreciation. Panted a little bit, too, which isn't something I can control. That's just how we perspire, you know.

"Listen, I'm real busy helping out the doctors, but I can get you some food later, if you want to hang around and wait."

Of course I wanted to hang around and wait. How could he even ask? I sat for him real nice, and as if on cue, he said, "What a nice boy you are! Why don't you go into my office and wait there until I can take a break."

He led me to this small office where there was also a cot, and I eyed it. "OK," the guy said with a smile. "You can get on the bed. I have to go, but I'll be back when I can."

What the heck. There was nowhere else I needed to be. I jumped up onto the cot, turned in circles a few times, then settled down. Ahhh, more sleep. I was as happy as a flea in a doghouse.

"Hey, boy, wake up!" It was the same young man, and he was hovering over me, holding a dish in his hands. I sniffed. Yep, there was food in that dish.

Who knew how long I'd been asleep this time. Dogs don't really have any concept of time, in case you were wondering. Sometimes people speak to us in terms of time… like they'll say "Tomorrow we'll go to the park," and so you know when you go to the park that a day has passed. But for the most part, we have no clue.

"Got you some food from the mess," the young man said, putting the dish on the floor. I jumped off the bed and helped myself. More yummy meat. Mashed potatoes with gravy on top. No peas this time, I was happy to note.

While I ate, the guy patted my head. "Where'd you come from? Do you have an owner somewhere? 'Cause they'll miss you if you've gotten yourself lost." He sighed. I guess he realized I wasn't going to be able to answer him. But just for the record, I didn't have an owner. I was a loner kind of dog, and I was good at taking care of myself. I'd gotten away from that crazy guy yesterday, hadn't I? He was going to kill me so he could eat me. Yeah, some people here in Korea eat dogs. Pretty disgusting, if you ask me.

This nice young man wasn't the type to eat dogs, though. I could tell. He stood up and looked down at me, saying, "Well, if you want to hang out here, I'll take care of you best I can. I love animals, honest. I've got guinea pigs and rabbits and a goat named Pokey. They're all really swell." He sounded excited when he talked about his animal friends, which made him A-OK in my book. "Anyhow, things should be quiet around here now… I hope. We're all done with the wounded. Five hours of surgery, but nobody died. How about that? We have great doctors here."

He went to sit down at his desk and started to do paperwork. I figured I could hang out here in his office for a while, seeing as he was so nice to me and seemed to enjoy my company. I took a seat next to his desk and pretended to be fascinated by the work he was doing. But actually? Snooze-city.

Just then, the door opened and I turned to see who was coming in. I like meeting new people. Most humans are real nice.

A very hairy man stepped into the office, and I only noticed he was so hairy because he was wearing a dress that clearly showed off his legs and arms. He was hairier than some dogs I know! I got a little scared and I backed up, my doggie senses telling me there might be something wrong with this man. Dresses are for women, as far as I knew… not for men, hairy or otherwise.

"Radar," this guy said, and I quickly deduced that was the name of the young man I was hanging out with. Suddenly the hairy guy stopped because he'd seen me, and he said, "Hey, where'd the dog come from?"

Radar looked down at me and saw I was frightened. He put on a soothing voice as he said, "Don't worry, fella. This is Klinger. He might look a little strange but he don't mean nothin' by it. He's just trying to get out of the Army." As if that made any sense! Still, if Radar was OK with the hairy guy, then so was I. To Klinger, he said, "I don't know, he seems to be a stray. He's real friendly."

Klinger reached down to pet me, and I let him. I sniffed in his direction; yeah, he smelled like one of the good guys. I relaxed.

He turned to Radar and said, "I hate to tell you this, Radar, but I've changed the theme of the party again."

"Again?!" Radar sounded exasperated. "Klinger! We're only a few hours away now!"

"Sorry, kid. But the medical theme? That's just so predictable… so boring. Since we got all those great photos from Hawkeye's dad, I've decided to go with a 'This Is Your Life' kind of thing—with different stages of his life represented, you know? Some of those pictures are hilarious." Klinger rubbed his hands together. "Don't worry, I know we're getting down to the wire here, but I do my best work under pressure. I've got some terrific ideas, trust me. This is gonna be our best bash ever."

Radar seemed to relax. He smiled and showed a couple of cute dimples. "He doesn't suspect a thing."

"I know! Aint it great?"

When Klinger left, I decided to head outside with him. I was in the mood to explore this place a little more. I don't think Radar took offense.

After a while, I ended up following this very tall man in a white coat who was humming to himself. I like music, it soothes me. I was getting caught up in his tune and didn't even realize that I'd followed him into his tent. I think I surprised him because when he turned around and saw me, he went, "Gah!"

I was worried at first; he didn't look real happy to be seeing a dog. But then he reached out and let me sniff his hand, and he said, "Well, hello there, little mongrel. You caught me by surprise, but I suppose it's nice to have a visitor who isn't going to inundate me with irksome sarcasm, feeble attempts at humor, and impudent rejoinders to everything I say."

Huh? Did this guy swallow a dictionary or something? But he was smiling at me, so I figured he was OK to hang out with.

"It's nice to have the tent to myself, my young canine companion," he went on. "A rare treat. Pierce is on post-op duty, and just about everyone else in camp is busy with party preparations." He raised his eyebrows. "Big party tonight, you know. Though I must say, I'm typically not fond of surprise parties… or parties that involve hobnobbing with riff-raff like these cretins. But yes, even I am starting to look forward to this one. It seems we may have actually pulled off the impossible in this place where everyone always knows what everyone else is up to. I do believe Pierce is truly in the dark about this." He laughed. "I'd never admit it to anyone else, but yes, dear doggie, this is actually quite exciting. Could be an unprecedented event."

I might have given him a "woof" of some kind, but just then another tall man came into the tent. What was with all the tall guys around here? Was this a camp of doctors or basketball players?

"Well! Who's your friend, Charles?" the newcomer asked. He had a really nice smile. Lots of teeth. Dogs admire great teeth, whether they be on other animals or on humans.

"I don't know where he came from, Hunnicutt, but he's a calm enough fellow." He paused as both of them gave me a few pats on the head. Then he said gruffly to the other guy, "To what do I owe this displeasure? Here I assumed I'd have the Swamp to myself for a few blissfully quiet hours. Weren't you off helping to get things ready for the party?"

"Don't worry, Winchester, I'm going back to the mess tent in a second. Just stopped in for some of the photos I'd stashed in my footlocker. If Hawkeye happens to show up here between now and party time, don't let him get anywhere near the mess tent!"

"I don't have any control over your… infantile friend—"

"Charles, just do that much for us, OK? You're not exactly going out of your way to help with the party itself."

The man named Charles looked put off but he didn't say anything more, as the Hunnicutt guy grabbed whatever he needed and left in a huff. Hmmm, these two fought like cats and dogs, from the looks of it.

Charles turned to me. "Smells better in here already, doesn't it, pooch?" He started messing around with some small contraption near his cot. He maneuvered some gadgets and the next thing I knew, music started to come out of it… magical little box that it was! Ahhh. I settled down on the floor and let the music wash over me. I loved the way it made me feel… secure and tranquil… like I didn't have a care in the world.

Probably I dozed off, because the next thing I was aware of was the door opening and another tall stranger coming in. Charles kind of jumped off his cot, like he was startled, and he said, "Pierce! What are you doing here? You're supposed to be on post-op duty!"

Ohhhh… I got it. This was the guy that the party was for. And now Charles had to figure out how to keep him away from the party place. Ha ha, I had to chuckle to myself. This was exactly what Charles had been dreading.

Pierce eyed him. "What's the matter, Charles? You're not happy to see me? Well, color me insulted."

Charles sputtered. It was kind of funny to watch. Sweat was breaking out on his brow. "I just meant… you're not off post-op duty already, are you?"

"Relax, Winchester. You look even more uptight than usual." This Pierce guy clearly suspected Charles was up to something. Which he was, after all. The whole camp was. "There are exactly three patients in post-op, I've checked them over thoroughly, and the nurses have my number if they need me. I gave myself permission to knock off a little early."

"Oh, I see. Well, how… nice. Someone to keep me company." He couldn't possibly have sounded less convincing. I would've laughed if I knew how to.

Pierce gestured toward me. "Looks like you already have company. Who's the pup?"

Charles stroked my fur. He really seemed fond of me, though it appeared he didn't like the humans he lived with. Some people are happier around animals than those of their own kind, and who can blame them? "I've decided to call him Wolfgang," he said. "After Mozart, of course."

"Of course." Pierce was mocking him, I could tell. Meanwhile, I was pretty disturbed to hear my new name. Yuck!

"I suspect O'Reilly started feeding him and now he's going to hang around camp in perpetuity," Charles was saying, but smiling at me the whole time.

"Cute little guy," Pierce said, taking a moment to pat my head. I wagged my tail at him. "It looks like the two of you want to be alone, so I'll just mosey on my way…"

Charles nearly threw himself in between Pierce and the door. "You can't go!"

"What's wrong with you, Winchester? First you're annoyed that I had the nerve to come in to my own tent, and now you don't want me to leave?" Pierce tried taking another step toward the door, but Charles stood his ground. "This is weird behavior, even for you."

Charles looked at his watch. I have no idea what time it was… you and I have already had the conversation about how dogs don't get the concept of time. "Where are you going?" he demanded.

"Not that it's any of your business, but I thought a good, hot cup of coffee would be… well, impossible to find in Southeast Asia, but I can probably get something vaguely similar in the mess tent."

"No!" I'm tellin' ya, it was too funny. The look on Charles's face? He was positively mortified that he seemed dangerously close to letting the birthday boy walk into the surprise party early. But I'll give him credit: he wasn't about to give up. He was like a dog with a bone. "I can go get you a cup of coffee, Pierce. Bring it back here for you."

This set off gales of laughter from the birthday doctor. He guffawed and wiped tears from his eyes and had to sit down on his cot before he fell to the floor. When he could speak, he said, "_You_ waiting on _me_? Are you serious? Who are you and what have you done with the real Charles Emerson Winchester III?"

He was still giggling and Charles was still sputtering, trying to figure out how else to stall, when someone knocked on the door and then opened it without waiting for a response. "Doctors?" Radar said, sticking his head in, looking frantic. "Choppers coming. Real soon." Then he disappeared.

Sure enough, only a second later there was an announcement from some kind of loudspeaker that "incoming choppers" were bringing "wounded," and everyone was urged to get to the OR. Both Charles and Pierce fled the tent without a word to me. I heard helicopters coming and I saw people running, and I figured I should just stay right where I was.

* * *

When I opened my eyes, it took me a moment to remember where I was. Oh yeah, in that tent where Charles lived with the other two men. I'd been afraid to leave, since there was so much noise and activity going on in the camp and I didn't want to get hurt or get in anyone's way.

I lifted my head and looked around. Only one person in the tent… that Pierce fellow. He saw me looking at him and he winked. "Don't worry," he said, "I'm not going to call you Wolfgang."

He may not have noticed, but I gave a sigh of relief. I stood up and went to him, hoping to get petted… and it worked. Humans are so easy.

"I have to head out to the mess tent in a few minutes, Fido," he said as he slowly ran his hand down my back again and again. "Big surprise party waiting for me." If I were a person, I would've gasped, but instead I lifted my head and looked into his eyes. He smiled. "Oh yes. I know all about the party, Fido, my friend. Know _all_ about it." He stopped petting me (darn!), got up and paced around the tent, gesturing as he did. "They thought they could keep it a secret, did they? Ha! Although I have to admit, it was a clever plan. Throwing the party a full three weeks before my actual birthday. Nice try. But I heard a snippet of conversation here, saw some sneaky shenanigans there, and I put two and two together. And then I was positive, once I saw the package in Radar's office with my father's handwriting on it!" He laughed and stopped pacing to look at me. "Don't worry, pooch. I have no intention of ruining their fun. I appreciate the effort they put into this, so I'm going to keep my big mouth shut and act completely surprised when they spring this on me." He did a boy scout salute. "I swear."

He sat back down on his cot and pulled his boots on. "The whole thing is really sweet, actually. We unexpectedly got wounded a few hours ago… you heard that, right? That sure threw a monkeywrench into their party plans. I know they were worried. But the good news is, it was a short OR session, by our standards. Only three hours. We just finished up about 20 minutes ago. I hit the showers right afterward. B.J. told me to join him in the mess tent 'for a cup of coffee' once I was done. But I know what that's all about! They're all waiting for me in there… probably hiding right now, even as we speak, waiting to jump up and scream 'surprise!' I'm sure there's a cake and lots of decorations… and presents! I don't know what my dad sent, but that has to be something fun, right?" He stood again, looking at me closely. "OK, I admit it. I'm pretty excited." He paused and cast his gaze out the door, and it seemed like he was getting wistful. "These people, Fido? The fine folks I work with and play with and break bread with every day? I gotta tell ya… I love 'em to death."

I looked out the door, too, confused. This was the tent that had the big sign in front of it, the one with all the arrows pointing away. "Anywhere but here" is what that sign seemed to say to me. But I must've been wrong about that, from the sound of it. Sounded like these folks—or at least most of them—were perfectly happy being here… with each other.

I gave a very soft "woof" to let him know I was listening. When he turned to look at me, his eyes were teary. But then he grinned, a really big, really sincere kind of grin, and he gestured toward the door. "You're coming along with me, I hope, my dear Fido?" I gave another "woof," this time loud and with enthusiasm. He opened the door. "Let the games begin."

I followed him with a little prance in my step, my head held high and my tail wagging. I felt like part of the family. What a stroke of luck, huh? Finding my way to this camp? I think I'm going to love it here. Looks like I've got a whole new leash on life.


End file.
